Anyone know were I put the remote control?

This life needs one.

Where do I press rewind.

How do you close pandora's box?

Should you?

Is there a pause button. 

I would like to pause the last time my kids ran to the front door yelling, "Daddy's here"  Christmas Day 2009.  The pure joy and look of excitement because I had returned and they were about to open a massive load of presents is one that I will carry with me to the grave and god willing beyond into heaven.

How about a fast forward button?

Can I press and hold until I can kiss their cheeks and hold my youngest and say, "Hello, little angel."


How about a power button?

Should I turn it off?

Sometimes it is hard to keep pressing play.  To simply keep putting one foot in my mouth and the other up my ass.  Fucking hell life can suck big time sometimes.  My making my past demons die I might have killed my self?  I sure as fuck hope not.

This is a song that occurs to me when I look at myself in the mirror.

I hate everything about myself.  Why do I love me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzTM8gHID3I&feature=related

I must admit something to everyone that gives a flying fuck (which by now is uhmmmm just me I think)

I love my kids.

I loved my family (sisters, brothers, aunts, dad, mom, nieces, cousins, and friend(s)), but no one decided I was worth keeping.  I have been thrown away.  Granted I was a grade A first class fucking asshole, but I was your son, brother, uncle, cousin, friend and you fucked off and left me to rot. 

I don't know if I ever will okay with two things, what I have done and what you fucking did to me.

My demons are dead if you care.

My soul is intact and my capacity to love and be loved exists deep within.

I pray one day I get a chance to show you.

If not........